Your Response should be Fuck You!

Relationships, awwwwww relationships funny things I think, The older I get the more convinced I am that mankind was never supposed to live a life of monogamy and Love and honor and whatever it is we like to tag to it. We really are animals and deep down inside, we want to fulfill our desires, eat till our stomachs are full and lie down somewhere warm.

The thing about Relationships is it’s never a balanced scale, horrible yes I know my mother used to say it’s better to be loved than to love someone, the fact is both persons never truly love each other at the same time in the same way, life doesn’t work like that I assure you. So when relationships end most times you have one person who moves on happily, super excited to start fucking other people and one person is left completely devastated in a state of shock almost not having a clue how they wound up in that position.

A lot of persons are able to remain friends with their ex’s, I lift my hats to you (If I was wearing a hat), if I had the money I would hold a ceremony in your honor. I don’t believe in remaining friends with your ex, for two main reasons:

1 – If you hurt the person why would you want to befriend them after you hurt them?
2 – If the person hurt you why would you want to be friends with that person?

When someone says to you “Hey our Relationship didn’t work out but let’s be friends, look them in the eyes and say “Fuck You” and don’t ever look back even if you’re really curious. Don’t let anyone talk you into being friends with your ex unless you really want to, and that’s something you dont have a problem with but otherwise dont have someone who really hurt you convince you, you’d be better as friends.
I believe if you were better as friends you would have been friends not lovers.

Your ex’s should become strangers just forget them, you dont have to go to a party and hail them, and you certainly don’t need to remain friends with your ex’s friends

xoxoxox Lauren, Keep those responses LOUD- FUCK YOU

Think Like a MAN, Act like a MAN, a desperate cry to have our men back.

Good Morning everyone, Just thought I’d push this one out there while the topic was still buzzing around in my head. How many women can honestly say that they’ve been in relationships with a guy and felt like a lesbian the whole time, it was like dating another woman. Society may have its own views on the sensitive man calling him metro sexual, artistic or sweet and whatever else they want to call him but I have my own views.

I long for a manly man, I long for a guy I don’t have to keep reassuring that he’s the only one and a man who is confident in himself, me and our relationship. Now Men are searching our emails when we aren’t looking, they are viewing our twitter conversations and counting how many times we respond to a certain guy, your boyfriend could probably tell you the names of all the men that liked your swimsuit picture on Facebook. Quite Frankly its pathetic when did our men become so needy, the messed up part is they have gotten more needy, gotten more clingy but aren’t anywhere close to loving us better its the same bullshit in a different package. Now we have to deal with all this other added bullshit on top of all the shit they used to do before.

I long for the days when our men were hero’s always ready to fight for us, protect us, ride down on their white horses and scoop us up which would be really easy because we’d be wearing those really tight corsets and it would make our waist really small, so picking us up wouldn’t be that difficult. Face it women our men just aren’t the men they used to be and who is to blame? We are, we’ve spoilt them and made it too easy for them to fully develop into full on bitches they are now our equals, soon they will be wearing tampons and complaining about morning sickness (I’m almost sure they are doing that now). Who said it was ok for them to come get their hair braided in our salons? Who said it was cool for them to be in the chair beside us getting their nails done, who the fuck agreed to them wearing concealer because they got a bad sunburn?
I painted my nails the other and I showed it to this guy asking him if he liked the color and instead of saying “Yea they’re fine” he pointed to a very small bubble in the polish on the finger of my thumb, I almost got down on my knees to ask God if this was some kind of sick joke, where’s Ashton Kutcher when you need someone to say “You got Punk’d”! But that didn’t happen and I have to accept the reality that we are losing our men.

It’s hard, because I’m the ultimate girly girl and I love being in the presence of a man I like being protected, but our men complain they say we aren’t independent enough and they don’t want to have to deal with the pressures of “Saving Us” and when we are independent their ego’s get the best of them and they bitch about us robbing them of their man hood.

Ahh Yes it was the best of times, it was the worst of times…….

xoxoxoxo Lauren O Lauren, I don’t want to be the man in the relationship anymore.

How To Spot a Heart Break, Dnt bring a guy home to meet Mom on Mother’s day

He texts you first thing in the morning and at night right before you go to bed, he say’s He’s never met a girl like you before, you fascinate him. Men are getting better at pretending to be Prince Charming, in these rough times women are getting more desperate to find a Prince Charming the results could be disastrous. Here are a few things you should look for when spotting a Heart Breaker.

A heart Breaker is like a good car sales man or an insurance agent, they Flatter you, Assure you then by the time you know what happened you just spent a lot of money on something you don’t need or something that barely drives and in this case you put a lot of time and emotion into a relationship that wasn’t going anywhere. There are simple signs to look for and I’m going to tell you what they are from my own personal experiences, ever bought something on a deal and thought “Wow three boxes of Special K cereal only 99 cents, then went home and checked the expiry date and realize that all of them expired last week?
Men are a lot like deals, if you meet a guy and he seems PERFECT, he’s just soooo sweet, he buys you flowers the 1st 10 dates, remembers all your favorite things, emails you love letters and has all the necessary criteria that you look for in a man it usually means something is wrong and “somethings wicked this way comes” (Got that line from a movie always wanted to use it lol) Think about it if he was so perfect some lucky Bitch would have scooped him up and trapped him into putting a ring on it.

If a Guy uses the line I’m different from all the other guys you’ve eve dated I want you to nod your head, smile ask to be excused you need to use the bathroom, get up and run away don’t stop running until you get to a bar, ask for a tequila shot without the lime and thank God because you just made a narrow escape. The fact that he has to tell or rather announce to you that he’s not like the other guys therefore insinuating that he’s better than them, is like a warning sign. You don’t see big designer labels advertising telling you they’re better than those other designer labels do you? No you see the smaller stores always doing that shit, a good man won’t tell you he’s a good man, he’ll show you, he will love you like you’ve never been loved before and will make no excuses about it.

He uses your personality, job or friends to be a reason for argument, if all those things were there before him and he comes into your life after bitching about them it’s reason for concern, he’s just warming up his valid excuse why the relationship will no longer be able to work for him one day.

Ask him how he broke up with his ex, if you don’t think the reason he broke with his ex is valid enough, don’t convince yourself that you want to be in a relationship with this man he might leave you for a reason even less valid. I hate when men or women say “We outgrew each other, we decide the relationship wasn’t working so we broke up” How the fuck do you out grow love? How do you out grow someone who was once your everything? You didn’t out grow, your lust faded and I don’t care if it was 15 years, real love sticks around for the long haul, real love matures and changes with time it doesn’t fade, real love is like buying a great handbag, a few wear and tear but you know with time that bag just gets better and better.

He was once engaged, Unless his fiancé died a man who was once engaged is rumored to be a bad omen, bad luck it’s like walking pass a black cat. Any guy who asks to meet your parents or your Mom in less than six months of dating is a real heart breaker, keep your mom away from him as long as possible, I don’t bring guys home its something I try not to do all the times I’ve done it in the past & I’ve regretted it. I feel like my mom is a rare treasure and only who really deserves it gets to meet her.

All in all I would say when dealing with Men go slow because they’re like a bomb if they aren’t genuine they will go off in due time, you would hate to have gone too far with it. I recommend privacy and time, go slow keep it between you and it will lessen the harmful side effects of an unworthy man. We girls get too excited that’s what these men use to their benefits, treat them the way they’ve always done us, tell them you want to go slow, you’re working on you and if its meant to be it will be and please HOLD OFF AS LONG AS YOU CAN WITH SEX, it’s a magic trick that works.

xoxoxoxo Happy Mothers Day to all the Mothers and the soon to be Mothers

This used to be my Favorite Shirt.

I took a shower this morning brushed my hair and did everything associated with getting ready to leave my house, it took maybe an hour to find something to wear, I was getting ready to go to a production meeting for The Vibe, I put on a white Armani T-shirt with silver writing on it that says “Definitely not Boring” I took it off almost immediately then I said out loud to myself, “I used to wear this shirt all the time, I used to love this shirt” I put it back on and didn’t have enough time or couldn’t be bothered to try to find something else.

That’s when it hit me, things seem to be always hitting me though. Nothing has changed about my shirt, yea it’s been washed a few times, there’s a stain on the sleeve from that time I walked into a fat lady at the mall carrying a hot dog but it’s still the shirt I bought, why don’t I wear it as often, why do I not wear my favorite shirt anymore? Life is a lot like that I don’t remember where i saw this quote “Nothing is permanent including Success and failure”. The truth about Life is it is ever-changing, ever-moving and ever evolving it’s not a constant, there is a plus and a draw back to that. Lets take a look at the positive, one day you’re living pay check to pay check struggling to pay your rent and the next day you sign a book deal with a publishing company and they’re gonna make a movie based on your book and you’re rolling in the money all those who ever doubted you will be asking for forgiveness, and that’s not just a Drake song.

Nothing lasts forever even forever will come to an end, and sometimes it has nothing to do with any thing in specific the world turns and things change, just take a look at mother nature she changes all year round and she’s never quite the same this winter might the coldest, last October it was snowing in new York, The only thing you can do is be prepared for the change and don’t allow you or anyone to convince you that something will last forever. Your instincts never lie if your inner voice says it’s time to go, leave before it’s too late or you will find yourself in a situation less than satisfying.

Who would have thought I would ever stop wearing that shirt I used to wear that shirt once a week it went with everything, I wore it to the beach, I wore it to the club, i threw it over my gym clothes, it was my ride or die shirt, and then suddenly it was just a shirt in my closet I didn’t even remember it was there.

Don’t allow yourself to be anybodies forgotten T Shirt, You can’t control people’s behavior or feelings but you are in control of your destiny and where you end up, so be responsible.

XoXo Lauren O Lauren

Don’t fear what you dont understand, instead try to understand your fears and over come them.

I don’t Date RICH Men let me tell you why.

Lets get into the meat of this Topic, People misunderstand me sometimes and I see this mistake being made too often, allow me to be this moment of clarity, young girls grab a pen, old girls correct me if I’m wrong all together listen now.

“Now I’m not saying I’m a Gold Digger but I aint fucking with no broke nigga” and while those may be lyrics to Kanye West song baby I can talk about it cuz I’m living it. However I don’t date loaded niggaz and I saw an article in Cosmopolitan that confirmed my theories all you have to do is look around. A man who works a 9 to 5 and makes a decent living will do more for you than the nigga rolling around in the X6. Heres the science behind the situation a man who is “Publicly” rich and drives a Publicly fancy car knows that women will come after him therefore why waste time doing anything nice for you as far as he see’s it, he knows it’s a big deal for your friends to see you in the front of his “Porsche” he knows how good it makes you feel that your boyfriend goes to Abu-Dhabi to buy lunch and has dinner in Paris, Men aren’t stupid.

Thats why some of these girls will get their hair done every two weeks, get mani’s and pedi’s weekly and always have new clothes but these men will never invest in them because it’s not in their best interest to build a woman, a lot of these very rich men are selfish. I look at girls sometimes who date really rich men and wonder why can’t I see the money on her? why is he wearing a Rolex and she isn’t even wearing a watch, you know what I mean, you’ve got 4 cars and your girlfriend takes taxi’s.

Ladies please don’t tell anybody what your man has unless we can see his money on you, don’t think I’m criticizing you because we’ve all been there, but who grows out of it and sees the light deserves the praise.
I tell men the minute I meet them Im materialistic and I love stuff if you can’t make that happen and help me grow then bounce cause I don’t really need a man, I’m going to Trinidad for carnival 2012 jumping in costume and all and i called my mom yesterday and said I dont know how I was gonna pay for my ticket and she sent me the money this morning cash plus extra so don’t think I’m homeless my parents care about me.

So if a man can’t help me create this Dream I’m trying to build I don’t think we’re gonna work, I like my men hard-working and in love with me. You can keep the guys with the fancy cars, they don’t impress me much.

xoxoxoxo Lauren O Lauren

ps HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!!

Are boys the new women, what a guy being Co Dependent says about his character

It’s evident by Men’s fashion, the way men complain and how dramatically their species has dropped in height making a man 6ft tall rare to find that Men are becoming the new women, and I’m expecting some where in the near future they will be able to get pregnant and the roles would have made a 180 degree turn.

But today i wanna talk about something that bothers me greatly, this issue of “Codependency”, Women have been famous over the years for being Co dependent always needing to be in a relationship because we’re so fragile and frail. For the record I have never broken up with one guy and immediately gone into another relationship because anything can happen so i give myself space and time to think.
But I see men doing it all the time now, they break up with one very public girlfriend and they’re out in public in less than two weeks with a brand new girl and calling here their girlfriend. It makes me uncomfortable that you cannot be alone for a while, what does that say about your character? what does that say about your self esteem? It says you rely on other peoples opinions, you rely on others for your happiness.
Is your self esteem so low that you constantly have to be around another person, you are uncomfortable with the person you are! internally you are unhappy you will never find what you’re looking for until you find happiness within yourself.

Women need to be extra careful and not just rush into relationships you just don’t know who people are, he could be anxiously waiting for you to say yes to being his girlfriend, but then he has a girl on the side who he will never stop having sex with or multiple girls. The men who hurry to “wife” girls always have a bag a girls fucking on the sides, they are also ten times for likely to pay for a lap dance at a strip club and 20 times more likely to pay for the private room.

Co Dependent men according to psychologist have mommy issues, they either had very demanding mothers who they constantly had to be pleasing be it either with good grades, good behavior not bringing home certain girls etc, etc.

Do our men need our help becoming men? They do need to become Men but it has to start with us stop babying them, let them be men, let them fucking beg.

xoxoxox Lauren O Lauren on the mission to find the real Men.

Boys are my new Drugs, I want lots of them.

*La, LA La La* I met a new boy!!!!!

First let me say this is not a blog about how I’ve been wrong about Men and you just need to find the right one, I still hate men and they’re all the same, but you have to admit when you first meet a guy and he’s really into you because he hasn’t had sex with you yet is the best part.

I love New Boys, they’re like new shoes, as uncomfortable as they are you ignore all of that because they’re pretty, New and this design is fresh from the runway and you’re the first to have them!!! Until they start to give you really bad blisters and you realize you can’t stand in them for more than an hour, then you gradually don’t wear them anymore.

I’m going through that phase now, where I really, really wanna have fun with another person, I want us to be exclusive to each other but without the labels and the stupid “I love you” just know that we have each others back and we have an understanding, there are no real rules because it’s not a real relationship until we get to that bridge, so for now we’re sitting on a blanket on the other side having sandwiches and tea taking a break before we actually cross the bridge. (pretty way of saying it huh)
I am enjoying a man’s company but not dependent on it, so if he leaves it won’t even matter. Boys can be so much fun, but it’s almost like a baby playing with a plastic bag, although when I think of it what is it like when a baby plays with a plastic bag i used to let my baby nephew play with everything, he turned out ok and started reading at age 2, it all depends i suppose.

My advise to women is be smart with men, do not repeat all your steps, with each new dude it’s like starting over or you can continue paying the same role and hope you find the right character to play your love interest or you can change your own character just a little bit. By a certain point in your life you know what works for you, boys do not work for me trust me i’ve done everything so I just enjoy these first couple of months then I accept that something will go wrong and all my ex’s can blame me, it’s ok I woke up feeling like Jesus this morning, cast all burdens on me.

My name is Lauren and I have successfully substituted Drugs (not the illegal ones get your mind out the gutter) for Boys who call me Princess.

xoxoxoxox Lauren O Lauren

The boys that glitter aren’t gold!!!!!

(PS I wrote this on my iPad and using word fess on here is funny tons of mistakes are in here that I can’t correct)

I’ve been caught up with a ton of stuff you’ll see soon!!!
However my sears I can tell you that although I sleep in every day, drink way too much in private and is loosing sight in my left eye at a rapid pace, I am more awake than I have ever been in my whole life, as I walked to the ATM machine this morning a very nice silver two door car windows down and music blaring shot past me at such a speed that it tangled my fucking weave!!! Not to worry I’m wearing remi so it quickly untangled and got back to its luxurious self. The point is the person driving shirtless, tanned and handsome was not the owner of the car!!! The owner of the
car would never drive it at the speed and the tinted windows would never be down. I have a name for men who front with other people’s things, I findly call them “Jenny’s” coming from the French word “Jermain” spelt with a J or G respectively. However this blog is not about the Jenny’s of the world, it’s about us girls and how we allow ourselves to be well not taken serious.
I was in the country this past weekend at stage show of some sort, and u started talking to this man purely by accident and in the heat of the noment, some one I would not talk to on a regular day, he doesn’t look like David Beckham, he doesn’t even travel to let Alone be a foreigner, hes a taxi driver, but for the whole night he kept offering me drinks, asking me what I like, my hand was never empty, even volunteered to drive me back to all the way to Kingston if I wanted to go to the beach! The irony is a man like that would give me anything my heart desires as long as he could afford it, he would live to make me happy, he wouldn’t sleep soundly if he knew some one made me unhappy. But I would never date a man like that, he doesn’t fit into my plastic world, and my plastic friends wouldn’t be nice to him, the plastic places I go wouldn’t let him in, because he only wears T shirts. All women are guilty of something like this we shun the men who would really love us for these glittery men. According to a study done last year, entrepreneurs and seemingly rich men are less likely to give women money or gifts because they use their names to date you and think you should be privileged to date them because they’re rich and they jbow you’ll stick around because you’re hoping he will choose you and maybe marry you or some dumb fairy tale like that. When the men who don’t have much are said to have bigger hearts, why is it that I want to settle for a guy who only looks good on paper and take great side shots shoe looks good in all his pictures?

People always say you shouldn’t settle, but it really all depends on the circumstances. There is this specific guy in my life, let’s call him a fucking mistake!!! While talking to this fucking mistake he says to me he would be going to the country for “Sumfest weekend” ( a big music festival type thing we have yearly, the biggest reggae show on earth) I told him, don’t ask me if I’m going you’re going why don’t you take me with you. The Fucking mistake responds by saying “I’ll be working, I can’t take you with me”
Fair enough, however he went last year and brought his girlfriend, will he be busier this year than he was last year? certainly not, but I was not important to this man, he valued me just the same as he would have valued a heart shape leaf, a really cool find but if he lost it, it would still be just a fucking leaf.

Then there I was in a bar, when this guy I knew was fooling around or whispering sweet something’s to a girl I know, hanging out for the long weekend with some say his girlfriend, some one else said that the girl was not. I think it’s his girlfriend because he’s an asshole not a womanizer he wont take a girl out who is not his girlfriend unless he’s in a foreign country.

That’s when it hit me!! Soon I was gonna be 25 and I will have no excuse for making certain mistakes, I should have learnt from all my mistakes already, I’m a great girl, I’m honest, I listen, I spend hundreds of dollars on Agent Provocateur lingerie, why am I these things to happen? So no I’m not gonna be his side chick, I refuse to be cool anymore, I hope one day some of you girls wake up and realize you’re worth more than a few dollars, and for some pussy who’s too scared to tell his wife he doesn’t love her, to tell you in private how great you are, if he can’t bring you out and public and tell his family about you then why would you even bother, let go of that negativity, somebody is waiting to love you I promise.

Xoxoxoxox Lauren o Lauren, eyes wide open ladies stay awake. #TEAMNOSLEEP #pow

raise your glasses to another dead asshole

Gyal Mathematics (including the Circle)

This has gone on long enough with out me addressing the matter properly so here I am your Moses leading the way with a designer cane. It seems to me that neither Men or Women seem to understand the mathematics of this “Gyal” situation.

Now men I realize you dnt just want one woman, you want more than one, excellent choice sir, two is definitely better than one, and of course three is way better than two, and as we go up well, the more the merrier. So here you are sir spreading your self out among the female population, but like all things diluted the quality begins to diminish. Don’t worry, just call me Moses, to be honest I quite like the sound of that, “Lauren O Lauren the modern day Moses” ( I love it)

Here’s the story, lets take it back to AFRICA, you wanna have a bag a women you must be willing to spend a lot of money!! what are you offering all these women, oh that’s right your idea of amazing sex! muahahahahahahaha!!!!! “good one” yes I know women have changed we’re so materialistic and its always about money and gifts but you made us this way, so shut the fuck up and pay the piper honey!!
We used to be so sweet, we stayed home did what we were told, birthed your kids, nurtured the demons and even raised some of them to become, some of societies menace to date, all in a days work!
But then the cookie crumbled, no fucking pun intended, you disowned your kids, lied, cheated, used us and beat us, so to be fair we made some changes of our own, alas the modern woman was born!! She wears over priced designer stilettos, expects you to pay for them, she’ll think about the kids, she’s not afraid of plastic surgery and she laughs in the face the term “promiscuous woman” You asked for her and here she is.

Women stop allowing these men to turn you into a number with out getting the “numbers” you deserve, you know what I mean!! (Make sure he’s spending on you) There is no relationship that’s perfect! none, I was once heard a phrase “show me a beautiful woman and I’ll show you a man that’s beyond tired of fucking her”. It’s just a part of life what are you gonna do cry about it? Just make the most of it, and evolve to meet the demands of this crazy world we live in. If I wasn’t gonna get shot I would call names, and post BBM conversations with some of these men who can’t wait to risk it all for one night between my thighs, nah they don’t wanna marry me but they’re kinda bored of their super beautiful girlfriends! I look at these girlfriends and think, if he’s cheating on her then what the fuck is happening to me!!!! I’ll never be as pretty as she is, even when I dream about it my dreams look nothing like that!
So with all that said you must decide if you’re gonna play Miss nice and not ask him to pay your car insurance next month, it’s up to you honey!

what is the circle?
The circle, so sacred and soooooo important, so sacred is this circle to me that I date only men who don’t live in Jamaica so that when we break up I don’t see him with a girl in my circle. Let me explain the Circle.
The circle is not necessarily a group of your best female friends, it’s a group of girls you associate yourself with and if anything were to happen to any of your immediate best friends one of these girls would immediately fill that position, in short! It’s very disrespectful for a man to date a member of a girls circle……………………………………….

TO BE CONTINUED log on tomorrow for the full meaning and understanding of the CIRCLE

His Girlfriend is not your problem, she’s his.

First of all let me apologize for having stayed away this long, I feel like an RB singer who cant write good songs anymore cuz I got rich. Blogging just hasn’t been the same for me because I’m not as angry anymore!!
However this blog has been requested and is long over due, what are you going to give up for lent? I’m going to start the Gym next week, I’m giving up my perfect genetics, I’ve never been to the gym before, I never did PE in high school because of my joint problems and asthma so I’m excited to see what it will do for my body and how long I will keep this up.

From the beginning of time men have had “Mistresses” the great Cleopatra at one point was a “Mistress”. Men have this thing where they have their “Girlfriends” who they claim to love, will one day ,marry impregnate and then get separated from, However the love isn’t so strong because they still cheat all the time on these women. Then the poor girls, “Girls on the side” as they are now called because they aren’t lavished like they were back in the day, feel less of a woman because clearly something must be wrong with you why you aren’t the straight up girl.

Then these assholes have the nerve to say to you “I have a girlfriend you know” when you make certain request, where was this girlfriend when he was happily fucking you and telling you “wow you have the best p*%sy in the world” If he says that you, if he dare uses his girlfriend as any kind of excuse not to do anything, I’m telling you to call the bitch up and tell her “Rude girl, do you know where your boyfriend is three times a week”? (Im just guessing a figure here you can add or take away from it). Don’t allow these men to belittle who you are, or push you in a corner like “Baby” You cant enjoy the simple joys of being with him, you can’t really cuddle or fall for him much because he has a “Girlfriend” you cant ask him to take you to dinner because he has a “Girlfriend”, you cant really take anything from him that most men would complain women dnt want from men these days because he’s already giving it to his “Girlfriend”.
The only thing you can take from this man is his penis, which 90% of the time using it won’t guarantee an orgasm or a reaction for that matter. So what do you do? what’s left for you, this is where my expertise comes in *clears throat and adjusts glasses”

Back in the olden days when men had mistresses, they would put them up in nice studio apartments, and give them weekly allowances and fine silks to make clothes, perfumes, powders stuff to make them happy while he plays nice with his wife. Then why is it would you just allow a man to give you his “Penis”? I have vibrators that cost more than the weave I wear , I have special edition ones and one I will never use because it’s terrifying anyways that’s not the point. My point is save your Vagina for something more sensible than a man with a girlfriend, if you meet into an accident at 2 in the morning you can’t even call him because his phone will be off. If you’re going to be a “Girl on the side” please ladies take the Cleopatra approach, a penis is nothing without it’s owner.

Boys if you want to have your cake and eat it too, my dear you have every right, it’s your cake but dnt leave the cashier until you’ve paid for it!! ok thanks lovies!!!

xoxoxoxox LAUREN O LAUREN (remember you can email marketlaurendunn@gmail.com with your concerns and topics)