I’m moody, I hate the color orange & I curse like a sailor

For a long time I thought a lot of things were wrong with me, I thought I had all these flaws that needed fixing and I was lucky if I found a guy who would put up with me. Can I tell you dumbest thing I’ve ever said, (except the time I thought sheep laid eggs, but that’s a different story and that’s not the point. anyways)

Every woman should embrace themselves and love everything about you, or your insecurities will become weapons against you. How many of you have married male friends, and you wonder, “Why the hell did he marry her, she’s such a bitch”. My own brother I love him to death, but he can’t buy shoes unless he gets his wife’s permission and I can barely stay over when I visit New York unless it’s ok with her, and he married her.
My friend told me this week if he went to country on anything but business his girlfriend would know because she would call his friends. Then I thought I’m not that bad? I’m very personal even in my relationships, I like to remain an individual at all cost, to the point where my boyfriend and I have two of everything, two IPADS, Two Lap tops, 2 ipods, 2 of every dam thing we use we share nothing but our time we never share a bill (lol).

So what if we’re hard to deal with sometimes, I promise you there’s a man out there waiting to make you his burden, don’t settle for an ok guy, or a guy who won’t realize you just bought super expensive underwear for him to take off, because I promise there is someone out there who will notice. Don’t think you aren’t the marrying type because we’ve all met married women and wondered which poor soul is married to them.

I’ve also said this before it’s not about the sex, because men don’t have sex with their wives, it’s not about wearing your “fuck me” heels because married women wear kitten heels and flats everywhere. (literally laughing my ass off at this point).

This is not a blog to bask married women or the pussy’s married to them. (now rolling around on the floor)
This is for the women still searching, and the women doubting themselves because they think they’re hard to love, you’re not hard to love and when you find the right man you’ll be happy that all your past relationships didn’t work. Would you wanna be with a man for the rest of your life who told you you’re breast were too small? or that you talk to loud? nope you wanna date someone who sends you a dozen roses by 8am on valentines day!!!!!

xoxoxoxoxo Lauren O Lauren,

Stop waiting for him to love you, find someone who will

Talking money in your relationship. It’s a DO

Hello ladies, hello boys!! Aunty Lauren here.

It’s the beautiful year of 2011, so many things will change this year, lets talk about my favorite topic money. Talking about money is one of the first things I do in any of my relationships, I always ask my boyfriends if they save, do they own their own home, and what do they spend frequently on. I’m an old-fashioned girl so I wanna make sure that if I marry this guy he can provide for me and my kids.

I am urging couples to have that money talk it will solve a lot of discrepancies down the road. The first thing I do when I meet a man is tell him what I expect from him, I expect you to pay for even the air I breath! and that my friend is free. I am an open book, beside the word blunt is my picture, I don’t believe in having secrets and therefore I have none, it just doesn’t make sense to me for a girl to be dating a guy who isn’t badly off and she needs things that he can afford to give her and she’s scared to ask him for it. You should never be afraid to speak about money with your partner, if you are it could be that you don’t see yourself with him years to come.

THINGS YOU SHOULD TALK ABOUT:
(1) what do you owe.
(2) what do you own.
(3) what do you earn.
(4) what do you spend monthly

You wanna have a conversation involving all the above things, another thing you guys want to do is pay attention to each others spending habits. Is he too thrifty and does she spend too much? Does she go shopping every week, while shopping does she watch the prices or does she just pick stuff up? You have to remember you inherit each others debt, I spend like its my last day on earth so I always try to date guys who will appreciate my need for impulse shopping trips as well as being money wise for the both of us.
The second thing that couples shouldn’t do is use money as a weapon, it is not. Withholding money or hiding money won’t do any of you any good (unless that’s your personal thing) Couples use money to control each other and honestly kids that’s just immature and childish, it’s only money and if you have it then I expect you to act mature and responsible.

Now that we’ve had that chat, I want you to go to your partner and say, “lets talk about money, our money”

#POW

xoxoxoxox Lauren O Lauren, money is my favorite subject.

Who you shouldn’t buy a christmas present for, let me tell you

Hello Every one Merry Christmas!! I hope all the gift shopping didn’t leave you broke, I have good news if you’ve already bought this gift you can return it. You don’t have to buy that special guy in your life a gift if you’re not the “straight up girl”. For all my foreign readers, if you are sexually engaged to a man who is emotionally engaged to someone else, this means he is married or has a girlfriend who he takes to staff retreats and family dinners then DO NOT BUY HIM A CHRISTMAS GIFT, it’s the rule why do you want to break such an important rule. However he is supposed to buy you a present and don’t let him back into your vagina until he does, let me elaborate.

Your doing him a favor! he has the best of both worlds, a wife or a girlfriend for public appearances and you on the side to give him what he’s missing at home, and you don’t stand to benefit in any fucking way and I’ll tell you why. You’re a woman you have until your thirty years old till child labour becomes more difficult, your breast sag and as the years go by the more surgery you’ll need before it’s your turn to put on a wedding dress. Your wasting valuable shelf life with MR Happily Married while the man your suppose to be with searches for you.

So if you got him a present for all the nice things he’s done for you this year, “try you best bring it back”, you’re doing him a favor honey and don’t let him tell you he’s being nice to you. Nice is when he files for divorce takes the ring off his wife’s fingers and gets it adjusted to fit yours , and awful gesture really now that I double think it but a nice thought if your drunk.

Aren’t you glad you have a blog like this you can turn to for answers to some of lives hardest questions. No I’m not a genius, on second thought I am a genius I always liked sentences that started with Lauren and ended with brilliant and didn’t include the phrase “is not”.

xoxoxoxox Lauren O Lauren, this Christmas I got everything I wanted and I’m very grateful.

The girl on the side, “Oh Dear”

My theory is and will always be, you are the girl on the side until he puts a ring on your finger. I don’t believe in legitimate girlfriends, I don’t care if your accounts are joint and you live together, you aint legitimate until you need a “lawyer” to brake up and you’re fighting for the kids. In a regular relationship when people brake up and there’s a child involved, the child has to stay with it’s mom, because there’s no risk in the woman probably keeping the house if she wins the kids. See where i’m coming from? If you can see my point feel free at this point to take a shot of whatever you’re drinking, if you don’t get it don’t worry I’m also smarter than all my friends not just you.

You are no better than the girl on the side, that he cant take out to fancy restaurants because he doesn’t want his other girl to find out simply because its really easy for him to brake up with the both of you. For all my readers whose bubble i just bursted, don’t worry about it I felt the same way when I found out I was black, I can’t tell you how devastated I was when I went to Amy’s birthday party and hours after we exited the pool my hair still hadn’t gone back to how it was pre-pool *sigh*

The point I believe I’m trying to make is, society turns up it’s noses at “the other girl” but who really has the greener side of the grass, you sitting pretty being wined and dined waiting around for a ring that may never find it’s way to your finger or her, who knows exactly where she stands (whether she admits it or is still lying to herself), most times she’s getting the better sex and if she’s as smart as I think she is she’s being taken care of financially and she maintains a freedom that Independent women pretend to love. (hahahahah even in cyber world i’m funny)

Of course you have stupid girls on the side, just the same as stupid wives and stupid legitimate girlfriends.
How do you fix this? become just like me, dating all the fabulous boys one date at time, one weekend at a time, not looking for a relationship from any of them because they’re all the same and quite frankly i’m bored, but I do like to eat, I like shopping and I love money so if a young man wants to foot the bill and at the same time try to get into my panties then sign me up. My Vagina is sealed up tighter than the ingredient for KFC’s chicken that has kept be buying a wings combo once a week religiously, for almost 4 years (SMH).


kiss kiss, yours truly mama bear.

Can you love someone and Hate their attitude?

Can you love cheese tacos and hate cheese?

I always thought this was a retarded statement, the first time I heard it I had just finished saying how much I Hated Ms Wine, a teacher I had back in the day, when an adult responded to me saying, “You don’t hate her say you hate her attitude”
The person comes with the attitude and if they’re attitude affects you then they affect you also, stop looking at the glass as half full, this isn’t religion its real life and the glass is half empty and the person drives you crazy.

Can I love a man if I don’t love his attitude? I can be a bit perturbed with his attitude, but then it’s up to me to learn to deal with his attitude in a way that is best suited for me.
One of my male readers asked me this question on Facebook, what’s my advise for someone dating a girl who he loves, but he hates her attitude.

First of all assess your feelings, detract the sex, the looks, the way you feel being in public with him/her when everyone is looking at that person with the expression like “wow he’s going out with her”?

Let me use myself as an example, what do I hate about my ex? i’ll list them:

= His friends
= His accent
= His friends
= His generally inconsiderate nature
= His friends
= Him always putting me down
= His friends
= The fact that he criticizes me and makes fun of me in front of all his friends.
= His Friends

Now all the things I just listed, are things about this man that I hated, would I change any of them about him? yes, I would if I could but I appreciate him just the way he was and I was willing to sit with him even though I was miserable. Clearly I didn’t hate his attitude enough to tell him f@*k off.

If you love someone and don’t love the attitude they come with but you’re with them anyway, well then lovies I guess you don’t hate their attitudes do you.

xoxoxox mama bear, Lauren O Lauren

What is it you’re bringing into this relationship?

I got it, gather around ladies I feel like Jesus after the wedding in Galilee, hung over and inspired to do good!
Now we women always wonder, “what’s he doing with her! she’s not even hot” tsk, tsk, tsk, and with all your designer shoes and weekly hair appointments you’ll never mean to him what she does. Unless the guy is a druggist, or a musician (DJ, Rapper, rocker etc) he’s not gonna pick up a random hot girl, if she’s not the “Whole Package”, this sex appeal and sexy-ness that we women like to play on is only a small part of the package and it’s not a major part, not a man who has to get married (pressure from his parents, his moral values, the way he was raised blah blah, blah), a man who has to get married can always marry a nice 6/10 girl, with a great family name, an educational background that carry more weight than a new pair of double D’s on a model chic! and guess what? he’ll make up for it by fucking the model chic with the huge rack on the weekends! Take about 2 for the price of 1.

You have to be bringing something to that relationship if you want a reasonable relationship.
Most girls, fuck that! This is my blog aka my world so lets talk about me and my views, and when I was a little girl or whenever it was that I felt pressured to imagine myself dating a man *sigh*, I always imagined my husband being, odd enough a Doctor, or a lawyer one of those timeless careers! and he must go to work early work all day and get home at 6pm, sometimes he would get home late because he would be working on a really important project that required him to work over time. In my imagination my husband was perfect he read the papers every morning but he read twice as long on a sunday morning when he didn’t have work, and we’d go to the country for short trips and blah, blah kind of like a Mr Brady!!!

Those men don’t marry hot girls!!! unless they have something to contribute, come from a nice family and she must be willing to work for herself and not be reliant on a man, not saying he wont take care of her, but he wants to make sure that if he leaves she’s ok, she’s a great catch and some other guy will pick her up! With that thought ever-present in his mind, he won’t leave her!! EVER out of fear of her having a new “owner”

So ladies you must have more than great sex, and moral support to offer your partner or he won’t stay with you! Unless it’s a basket ball player or those persons who make crazy money! a man is not gonna have his money just being donated to your shopping habit, basket ball players and rappers can afford it, they don’t necessarily need a smart girl who is gonna put up with there, flirtatious behavior, and never being home, so they date girls who have to put up with it, the video girls looking for a way out etc, girls they can fully control! Did you know Kobe Bryant met his current wife on a video set? she was a fucking video girl.

Tiger Woods wife was a baby sitter, you see where I’m coming from? Men with “Dirty Money” (A LOT OF MONEY) don’t want a girl with an opinion, they need a girl that needs them and will have to listen.

xoxoxox Lauren O Lauren i better find my ass a basket ball player, cause seriously I got nothing but great sex and moral support to give you. PS I won’t search your phone and I don’t get jealous of other girls, as long as you keep me studded in MULAH BABY!!!!!

Sleeping with the Boss, doesn’t always mean a promotion!

Let me just say this before I begin todays lesson, “Working with a Business man and a man who can afford to own a business is two very different experiences”.

I’ve read tons of stories online about women who work for their boyfriends, and the complaints are always the same, everyone in the work place thinks you’re not getting enough work, or that you aren’t pulling your weight because “you’re sleeping with the boss”, people in the workplace just don’t like you , its always something. According to statistics that i’ve found online, when men are sleeping with their female bosses, women tend to lighten the work load as it relates to women working for men, the men tend to make the work load heavier. Men always try to show their power while women tend to get swooned and want to make his life easier, unfair isnt it.

But what about, if you were there from the beginning and you are there working your ass off and at the end of the day, all you have to show may just be your used and finished packets of birth control.
When you are going into any sort of business relationship, make sure you have a contract! You wouldn’t go into any legit business with any one without any sort of contract, so why would you enter into one with your boyfriend without a contract? Any man who refuses to sign a contract is not, let me repeat IS NOT A GOOD MAN!! A man who cares about you will want you to feel secured, if his only form of security is telling you, “I got your back” I would advise to be very fucking scared. I agree there are heartless women in this world, but there are so many more heartless men.

What do you do if you bought the bullshit and didn’t get him to sign a contract? No Problem, there was a case I have completely forgotten the name of the case but im sure a lawyer out there knows it you can site this case and it may help you in bringing your boyfriend or lover to court;

There was a man X, there was another man Y who suggested to X let me fix your roof, X said sure if you can fix my roof i’ll give you $10, so Y said sure I’ll fix it. Every day for 1 month Y came to X’s house and worked on the roof. At the end of it X did what any motherfucker would do he told Y that “listen, we don’t have a contract I was just joking around” when the case went to court The defendants lawyer said “your honor there was no written agreement between, these two men. My client was just making a joke with his friend. He didn’t mean for him to actually fix his roof”
The Judge said, “No, there is too much consideration here, Y came to X’s house every day for one month, if X was joking he should have told X at some time during the whole thing, that he was not going to pay the plaintiff.” In that retrospect the judge ruled that X had to pay Y.

Don’t go into any business arrangement with anybody that you are sexually/ relationship involved with, without written agreement. He or she will fuck you over and trust me, they won’t have anything called conscience, they will not feel bad, and all your hard work will literally go to nothing. You can take them to court or you can conveniently wait for everything to blow up, like all things in life, the way it was created it’s the way it will go down!

Working for your boyfriend is really tricky, extremely tricky. It’s very different from sleeping your way to the top because, there are feelings involved. Next time your boyfriend says lets work together, think to your self who has more to lose if the bond is broken, always look out for yourself!

xoxoxox Lauren O Lauren When I start talking a lot of people are gonna be in trouble, for now I’m keeping your secret, but not forever.

Notes from Ingrid’s Desk, “Man Talk”

I love editors some of my favorite people in the world are editors, My house mate is an editor, and a couple really cool people I know are editors. Can you imagine if we had life editors, if we did something wrong we could just edit it and make it not happen.

So Ingrid was giving me and some girls some advise today as it relates to men, truth of the story is, women don’t hate men and we know you’re not perfect and you make mistakes. But the truth is when you’re thinking about well beings, you aren’t thinking about ours and we know and we understand, thats why you get us pregnant and leave, it comes natural to you.

So we came up with some sure fire ways to not be left on the way side, You may have a rich man now who has you driving a benz truck and living rent free in his overpriced, not big enough yet well decorated apartment somewhere uptown. However when he leaves you, which they most times do, do you think he’s gonna say “here this should be able to keep you on your feet for another year or two” *hahahahaha of course not, he’s gonna leave you and his friends are gonna stop talking to you too*

We live in a selfish word so, as Bugs Bunny used to say: “If you cant beat em join em” That’s right get selfish, and fuck love because love doesn’t pay anybodies bills.

First of all open a US bank account it takes 100 us to start usually, don’t tell anybody about that account, every penny that he gives you just consider half of it as not being yours and change it into US dollars and put it in that account.

Another simple yet effective trick is, whenever he asks you if you have money, Say NO, always, always say no, Don’t have no shame or pride in your game. Just remember when he leaves he takes it all.

Another effective trick is think about your spending, and a lot of the things you think you have to have, Me personally I spend a lot of money a month, from my dramatically high phone bills, to my nails, hair and weekly shoe splurges every week, I spend roughly JMD $150,000 every month. A  lot of people thought that I had some rich man throwing his money at me, I didn’t , but because I told myself that I needed all those things so I made sure I always had them, looking back now I wish I had saved more. So according to Ingrid evaluate your spending!

Another major tip according to Ingrid is, his money isn’t yours, nothing he has is yours, but most importantly this man isn’t yours either and like all things that aren’t yours; you may have to return them or the owner will come back and get them.

XOxoxoxo Lauren O Lauren & Ingrid FullWood (professional Editor and TV producer)

The Truth about me & Cookie. (the anticipated cut up story)

Alright, today is October 5, 2010 it’s exactly one month since Cookie and I officially broke up, ummm then again to be honest he broke up with me long before that but I did’t know, he never told me he told his friends but forgot to tell me. I was telling the story of our first date to some of my friends and it was so funny, because he didn’t become an asshole over time, he was an asshole when I met him.

Flash Back couple years ago,

I met Cookie at a party with an army of about 500 hundred men behind him (alright maybe not 500 but more than 5 guys were walking with him). He called me probably four days after I gave him my phone number I remember how confused I was when he called I couldn’t figure out where he was from he sounded, ummmm I don’t want to say retarded, I’ll say adorable. He invited me to dinner or some shit, but when I went there it was him and I think three of his friends, p.s. Cookie and I are never alone unless we’re having sex #fact!
When I got there he was complaining about being cold, I was wearing a little black open sweater with a faux fur collar so I took it off and he tried to force his big arms through it, eventually he just wrapped it around his neck, he made me order my food to go, cause his friends wanted to leave or something. I’ll never forget I ordered pork something not sure what. I know it was pork cause when we left there, he brought me to where he was staying and he didn’t want me to bring the food in his room, cause he didn’t eat pork so he put it in the kitchen, I ended up forgetting it, I’m pretty sure he threw it away and didn’t really rest it in the kitchen.
So I’m in his room and this little boy is trying to take my clothes off, bear in mind he doesn’t know my last name, or know how old I am. Now I’m old-fashioned and I dont believe in fucking on the first date, hell no! so I used an old-time trick I told him I was on my period at first he didn’t believe me, but being the typical man the idea of blood is a scary nightmare, he probably thought it would catch his sheets or his clothes ahahahahaha.

Then like clock work, he magically had somewhere he needed to be, so I was trying to straighten his bed, cuz it was all a mess, I mean I’m not domestic but I was trying to be cute, and Cookie was like “No you don’t have to straighten it, cuz you’re the same one coming back to sleep in it, when I’m done, I’m gonna pick you back up” like I’m stupid. That fool dropped me home and I never heard from him until one week later when I’m pretty sure he was sure my period was and had to be finished! (Fuck my life)

So it’s not like he morphed into an asshole who always has to have his friends around him, he was always an asshole who needs to have his friends around him. I still love him, he’s amazing in the oddest of ways, are we gonna get back together absolutely not, there are just certain qualities about him that I can’t appreciate, the worst thing is to love someone and they not appreciate or be able to see that love. I wish him all the best. I know he’ll have no problem moving on because like a great prophet once said, “may of us will not move on because we never stopped, so we continue” So I stopped but to him it was like whatever, a hole I can jump in when I’m bored.

xoxoxox Lauren o Lauren, another day and I keep getting wiser. Always follow your gut and take note of the little clues earlier in a relationship.

Don’t allow him to move you in!

I grew up on a farm my mom and dad were very poor they had 10 children I was the 10th, hahahahahaha not really I just always wanted to say that ahahahaha.

Now let’s go on to another topic which most women find tricky. I’m 23 years old and I have never lived with a man, yes it could be that I’m annoying, problematic and just too dam loud. It could also be that I’m unwilling to put my trust solely into a man and give up my independence. Girls blush when guys move them in they feel special and loved, but the reality of the situation is you’re now climbing up some very high steps and not using the handle bar what happens when you miss a step, he throws you out and moves another one in. Guys who want there girlfriends to live with them are the guys who cheat while playing monopoly and probably owns a pair of loaded dice. They like to be in control, and if there is anywhere that a man can exude his kingly behavior then it would have to be his home, under his roof where you either do as you’re told or get out.

I don’t know why women keep making this mistake, if you live with him there is no need 87% of the time for him to marry you, he’s already getting the benefits of being married to you, he wakes up beside you, you clean, cook, remind him that the cable bill is still unpaid and one day you’ll miss a day on your pill and he’ll get you pregnant. By then your dreams of getting married in Alexander Mcqueen dress will be neatly replaced with hoping he comes home on time because the baby won’t stop crying.

Don’t give up what is due to you ladies, if he says move in say, sure buy me a ring. He’ll think twice if you mean something to him he’ll buy you a ring and think about it, but if you let him move you in and you refer to each other as Husband and wife, well that’s defeating the purpose, if of course you dnt mind being just live in and out girlfriend and boyfriend for the rest of your life. Look at his track record has he always lived with women? How soon does he move them in? How quickly does he move them out?
Being in a mans house creates room for easy “conformity” you now become “property” like the couch and the plasma tv you go with the decor but come next fall you could be the wrong color and may be replaced with next seasons must have, a sleeker, younger, much more willing version.

Like a lot of things in life, you are told never to jump all in except in Vegas of course, when investing money, investors tell you to keep a little back in case the market collapses, a relationship is like an investment it can collapse any time, always have an alternative, would you go to the middle of the ocean and not bring a life jacket if you said yes your like the fool who didn’t prepare. Men like what they can’t have, they want to control what seems impossible, tell him you won’t move in until he makes you feel like its a permanent move, after all you’re not Jehovahs witness there’s no need for you to be roaming from house to house. Tell him you want a ring its not too much to ask for if he’s willing to move you in after all.

There’s an old Jamaican proverb, “see me and come live wid me, a two different thing”

You may spend weeks at a time at his house, but you go ahead and move in there and see what a difference the situation makes. Don’t take my words lightly ladies.

Xoxox Lauren Alexander, smarter than I appear!