The Guru to your Fabulous Life on the topic of boys……. again.

What do we know about men? we know that they were created first and just like 1st generation designs, have kinks and issues that the manufacturer could not have known about if he was not just making the object for the 1st time.

Somebody came to me with a problem this week, and I thought it was a good enough problem to make into some sort of advisory blog for my fellow sisters.

We’ve all been there we meet a guy we like and we think he likes us too, we’re convinced he likes us, he takes us out to dinner, or maybe he buys us a really nice gift, he talks to us for hours on the phone about nothing, he brings us cough syrup when we’re sick, really nice guy huh? So all that’s left is we give him some and then he proposes (INSERT LOUD NOISE HERE) Wrong!!!!!!! it means he has sex with us and then gets really busy after that, stops taking our calls and all it was, was a one night stand that he thought was worth the effort, what do you do now?

Not to worry as a certified life coach and a fucking genius I Lauren O Lauren will tell you what to do!!!!! (insert Trumpet sounds here, followed by a picture of me in a Super Woman outfit)
Men expect women to be clingy, expect us to beg and cry and all that bullshit, but the world is changing and so is our women and unfortunately so is our men but their change is a change we could do with out, people always say to me “Lauren you sound so bitter towards men, almost like you hate them” my respond to them is not that I sound like I hate men, I do hate men and I am bitter, I’m beyond fucking bitter, they disgust me but this blog isn’t about how much I hate them. This is about YOU!!!

When you have sex with a guy for the first time, refrain from calling them/pinging/texting/whatsapp-ing them the next day, leave the next step to them, leave everything up to them. This is no longer a chess game this has become “Monkey sees Monkey Do”, you will replicate his actions. If he calls answers, if he doesn’t ask you to see you don’t volunteer your presence you understand.

Here is another common scenario, lets say you go to a party and you see him, doesn’t matter if you just had sex with him this morning fact is he went out didn’t feel like inviting you or telling you. A lot of girls make the mistake of going over to say Hi!!!!! CUTE!!! BUT WRONG pretend as if he isn’t there because in theory he isn’t there, if you have to walk pass him to go to the bathroom and your eyes lock on him only say hi if he says HI!! otherwise when confronted later say you never saw him you were kind of drunk!! who the fuck does he think he is, David Beckham?
As much as you may be burning up inside and you think you’ve fallen in love with him and he’s the only man for you, get the fuck over it. This thing here is a war and we have to fight it, this is boys against girls, don’t fuck it up, he’s not the one trust me, you’re gonna thank me one day when you’ve met your prince charming and you’re gonna think back and be like, I must have been high!!!

xoxoxo Lauren O Lauren PS no girls room is complete with something Zebra Print in there, keep strong ladies the real MEN are coming!!!!!!!!

Don’t approach me if you have bad intentions

Had a little conversation last night which opens my eyes even wider to how much men upset my stomach, Now couple months ago I was in some sort of I dont wanna use the word relationship, but some sort of agreement with this guy who turned out to be a liar, a great pretender and some one with some serious personal issues stemming from his child hood.
Now I destroyed this dumb mother fucker on twitter because 1 he deserved it!!! I was talking to this other dude last night who heard about the whole thing, he was saying why did i put the guy out there like that, and that now men are afraid to approach me, and then he started telling me that he was a very private guy and he wouldn’t want his business out there like that. At no point did this guy ask me what the other guy had done to me that has caused me to act the way I did, but that’s Jamaican men for you there concern is never for women there concern is for themselves.

Here’s my take on it, Men feel like they can do whatever they want to women and not be called out on it? “When you did a do the things dem pussyole, you never know say, you wouldn’t wah you business put pan twitter, Drancro”!!!!!
Let me tell you this, To the man with good intentions, the world is a fair place” So if men are scared to approach me now because they feel like if they disrespect me i’m gonna scandal them, great!!! stay the fuck away from me, any man tell you they are a very private man is a man with more than skeletons in his closet, he intends to take you for a fool. If it means that there is a caution message going around Kingston that men should stay away from me GREAT, then maybe, just maybe, finally the real men will stand up, cause I’m a real fucking woman, and I was built for a real man, so all you toy solders take a step back.

No everybody wants to pin it on poor Lauren like I’m the unreasonable one you know how much bullshit I put up with from man? Cause I tell twitter say him is a “Dutty Smaddy a pose like him decent” some man get scared of me? Wait until you find out how many times he’s bought VAGINA in lucky 38, I know everybody thought he was an upstanding citizen, oh honey I could tell you stories about that Upstanding citizen, the only thing that stands up on that citizen lives in his pants, dat duty bwoy soon ketch AIDS!!!

So this is a message to all the men out there who would be thinking they can come into my life and use me like some sort of sex toy, or use me for links, or whatever kind of bad intention you may have listen to the rumors and make sure you listen good, because two things are sure in this world and that’s Death and MY WRATH!!!!!

xoxoxoxoxo Yours Truly Lauren O Lauren (Bitch)

My Production Diaries……… A note from your “EDITOR”

I haven’t written a blog in a while, and to my valued subscribers I apologize I’ve just become so engulfed in the bullshit that surrounds me, getting my show off the ground has proved to be the hardest thing i have ever done and its all about the external elements that I just cannot control. I Cant tell you how many times I have felt like quitting including just 3 hours ago, but I realize no one will fight for this like I will, and that’s because it’s my show no one else’s, so i have put my personal issues aside and decided to work my ass off.

One of the hardest things has been thus far are “Editors” it’s like they are spawns of the devil, they don’t work fast enough and trust me they can I know this for a fact and just like employees that work for company’s or small business people, they just don’t give a fuck they don’t care enough because it’s no personal loss to them. That’s my major problem right now, I’m like a one woman production, people keep saying to me why don’t you get some help, there’s no such thing as “HELP” why pay someone to give me more headache than I need, I make sure it’s done quick and on time and just the way I want it, it’s already taking every technique I know to stay calm and work with “EDITORS” each of them come equipped with their own personal problems. If I knew how to edit professionally I assure you The Lauren O Lauren show would be on air already, Camera men don’t give half as much heart ache as editors do, its world-wide phenomenon, so If you want to get into production LEARN TO EDIT and skip this headache.

I know a lot of people are looking forward to the show and I’m doing everything I can to get the show out and on air but the devil is working just as hard if not harder than me to prevent this show from happening, but this show is happening and there’s nothing he can do but slow me down.

xoxoxoxo Lauren o Lauren

The Lauren O Lauren Show

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There’s Life and then there’s Death, one is compulsory the other is what you make it.

The Genius behind everything "I"

My Uncle passes away three weeks ago and was buried a week ago, and it made me realize something, one of those things is that I loved him dearly and he was like a father to me but I hadn’t realized how awesome he was until he died, he was sick for a very long time and I was too busy being a fucking Diva and pining and plotting revenge on my ex boyfriend I simply forgot he was there and that he needed me, and that he was dying to go and see him, he asked for me every day and I never went because I was terrified of seeing him in that condition. I felt like I hadn’t turned out according to plan, I wanted to go see him when I had everything in order, I never got it together and he died and the last image he had of me, was me going off to college.

Steve Jobs died Tonight and that’s when I said to myself “Lauren you did the right thing”, the thing is we’re all going to die no matter who we are, no matter what we’ve created, no matter how fucking awesome we prove to be (PS awesome is my new favorite word) Steve Jobs was a legend and surely is responsible for the revolution in the way we communicate on some awesome level, but he died tonight.

I resigned from my job this evening after weeks of contemplating and rationalizing I finally decided to say farewell with the station a lot of people have come to know me as a part of, so that I can peruse my own dreams before I die and regret not branching out. The opportunity to grow wasn’t available to me there, would never become available to me and we both weren’t seeing eye to eye. I’d rather do this and fail miserably and know that I did give it a shot and I did try, some of the most revolutionary things in this world started off as bad ideas or ideas that people dubbed would never work, but some how most of them worked and have changed the face of this earth.

This October I am Launching The Lauren O Lauren show on Flow TV, and I can’t wait to share my views and personality with all Jamaica, I won’t neglect my loyal blog fans of course, it’ll be just like my blog only 3D, whats great about the platform for The Lauren O Lauren show is everyone gets a piece of the action, it’ll be OUR show and what you think matters more than anything, I want you guys to take part in the twitter questions and allow me to share your views with the world, the show airs online as well. If I didn’t make this break away I would just be wondering what if, and I dnt want to do that for the rest of my life.

I feel like for a very long time, I’ve just been trying to prove myself to all the wrong people and doing what everybody else wants and not myself. I’ve learnt that you can work for people your whole life, get to work half an hour early everyday for the rest of your life and you will just be an employee that they can replace tomorrow literally here today gone tomorrow. It’s important that you remember that you only have one life to live and you are at the liberty of time, when your time is up what would you have accomplished? Don’t waste it wondering, waste it doing.

Steve Jobs has died contributing two life times worth of revolutionary life changing creations, like many who have died before him and will die after him, may their souls find piece, even if they didn’t know piece while they were alive.

CLICK HERE TO LIKE THE LAUREN O LAUREN PAGE RIGHT NOW
xoxoxox Lauren O Lauren

Un- Breaking our Black women. An end to a viscous cycle

I had this dream last night and usually after a couple of drinks my mind goes into over time and I think all kinds of things, and I started thinking about the fate of the Black Race and our women.

Now before you continue I need you to remember this is my personal thoughts, this is just what I believe ( and at the time I just had a couple of glasses of stuff).
I have always thought that black men don’t know how to treat a black woman, why? we just aren’t special enough for them, we’re too regular. Who wants regular when you can have a latte with whip cream and sprinkles? and I’m not throwing stones here because my whole house and everything in it is made up of glass and paper.
Most black men want that latte with the whip cream, if you know what I’m saying, a regular black girl won’t do beside him at a party or function, he wants a “browning” a mix breed something his friends can look on and whisper where did you find that, “The Unjamaican looking” is the order of the day. Not bashing any one for their preferences because what you like is just what you like.

But there’s a bigger problem here, this cycle of breaking down our black women has to stop. We are destroying and damaging the women who are single handily responsible for raising our black men, broken women create broken empty men. The faith of a whole generation sits in her hands. I’m sure not all black women are single mothers, and I’m not trying to victimize any one but listen to this.

If the home I grew up in is a Single Mother =======>>>>>>>> Our Neighbors to the right are Single Mothers
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=>>> The people who live in front of them are single mothers, both neighbors immediately beside her are single mothers and I could go on and on.
My point is there are too many black single mothers, raising a generation of men who are said to be the envy of the world: “BLACK MEN”
They have it all, Bigger Dicks, naturally physically bigger, stronger without the use of steroids every other woman wants to have sex with them, the original bad boys are Black Men if you don’t believe me check the prisons. Our black men were born to rule this world and if it were a couple of centuries ago they would be running shit, but the white man flipped the whole switch on them, they started working together, reading and exchanging knowledge and changed our world from trying to survive in the wild to the Corporate, profit, loss & Gain economy we now live in, and that’s all that matters, those three things. (But that’s a different blog for a different day, under a different topic)

My point is men please be nice to our women all of them, they are fragile monsters for a lack of a better term. If you break our women, then you break our men and then our whole world is broken.

xoxoxoxoxox Lauren O Lauren I added the link to one of my favorite songs ever made.

Reason to Celebrate, there’s always a reason.

No matter what shit is happening, you need to make time to celebrate. That’s my new rule no matter whats happening put aside Celebration time, cause eventually we’re all gonna die so don’t worry too much. If you follow me on twitter you’ll notice I keep nothing inside, if I’m upset I put it all out there, I really don’t care what people think about me or my actions. I’m not saying you should adapt my actions either, you should definitely do you, whatever you are.

Nothing will ever be just that easy, you can’t live a drama free life no matter how calm you are, no matter how many friends you don’t have, how many times have you heard people say “Nothing has ever happened to me like this before”. We might feel like the universe is setting up against us, but it’s from my experience that after something really bad happens something awesome follows. This is a little hard to digest right now because I’m almost making no sense but gimme a little, like Vodka I’ll creep on ya.

Think about a situation that you were in, a good one and then for some reason you’re not in it anymore, at the time it seemed awful, but after you’ve had time to think about it, how many times do you find yourself saying “is that situation what I really wanted to get stuck in anyways”? no you didn’t you made a narrow escape.

I don’t blow up half as much as I should, somethings I hear things and I just wanna tweet the most horrible things but I think about it and I’m like this person isn’t even worth my time, there are other times when I have to blow up. Twitter is like my personal psychiatrist, it helps me release.

It’s like Jesus he had 12 disciples he knew exactly who was gonna betray him, he could have dealt with it then and there, but no he didn’t he kept that person around. I have people around me that I know I can’t trust for nothing, I have people around me that I know will and have sold me out but I’m trying to show them that with or without you and you’re bull shit this show is gonna go on.

So there’s always reason to celebrate! Celebrate your haters, celebrate the people who love you, celebrate the people you can’t trust, celebrate the people who betrayed you, the people who will betray you, the mother fuckers who will sell you out for nothing. Celebrate them niggas who don’t think you’re good enough, it’s a fucking celebration everyday and I’ll drink to that.

xoxoxoxo Happy Fake English Accent Day- Today is that Day when we don’t need a valid reason to celebrate.

The Secret to Happiness REVEALED

I have found the secret to Happiness and you’re not gonna believe how achievable it is, are you ready?

The secret to true Happiness is the ability to see beyond that which makes you unhappy, and knowing that you are on your way to something better. Not just believing it but knowing it

HAve an awesome day everyone.

xoxoxoxoxo Lauren O Lauren

Are boys the new women, what a guy being Co Dependent says about his character

It’s evident by Men’s fashion, the way men complain and how dramatically their species has dropped in height making a man 6ft tall rare to find that Men are becoming the new women, and I’m expecting some where in the near future they will be able to get pregnant and the roles would have made a 180 degree turn.

But today i wanna talk about something that bothers me greatly, this issue of “Codependency”, Women have been famous over the years for being Co dependent always needing to be in a relationship because we’re so fragile and frail. For the record I have never broken up with one guy and immediately gone into another relationship because anything can happen so i give myself space and time to think.
But I see men doing it all the time now, they break up with one very public girlfriend and they’re out in public in less than two weeks with a brand new girl and calling here their girlfriend. It makes me uncomfortable that you cannot be alone for a while, what does that say about your character? what does that say about your self esteem? It says you rely on other peoples opinions, you rely on others for your happiness.
Is your self esteem so low that you constantly have to be around another person, you are uncomfortable with the person you are! internally you are unhappy you will never find what you’re looking for until you find happiness within yourself.

Women need to be extra careful and not just rush into relationships you just don’t know who people are, he could be anxiously waiting for you to say yes to being his girlfriend, but then he has a girl on the side who he will never stop having sex with or multiple girls. The men who hurry to “wife” girls always have a bag a girls fucking on the sides, they are also ten times for likely to pay for a lap dance at a strip club and 20 times more likely to pay for the private room.

Co Dependent men according to psychologist have mommy issues, they either had very demanding mothers who they constantly had to be pleasing be it either with good grades, good behavior not bringing home certain girls etc, etc.

Do our men need our help becoming men? They do need to become Men but it has to start with us stop babying them, let them be men, let them fucking beg.

xoxoxox Lauren O Lauren on the mission to find the real Men.

Is Jamaica ready for Change

We are a nation of warm no problem people, at least thats what the Sandals adverts on American Cable tv let everyone believe including us some how, and warm hearted we are, life in Jamaica is laid back, everyone is always late, shops close early because everyone has to make it home in time for Dinner, and there is without a doubt a rum bar at the end of every street corner and at no time at all are any of them empty, Jamaican’s can hold their liquor and if it wasn’t for cable tv all these drunk driving accidents probably would have never happened.

Red Stripe Launched a new Marketing Campaign to sell more “BEER” using a life size Bear by the name of “Red”, the campaign with in it self was genius I love Drama when in doubt create controversy, tune ups could be made to the execution so as to maximize the entire effect, somewhere Red the bear got stuck in the middle of not being simple enough and not being complicated enough to generate a massive buzz. Red the bear though he means well for Beer, is just not a relatable character yet, of course we still don’t know him well enough so he could become very relatable, very soon.

Is Jamaica ready for change Redstripe? you should know you are our Jamaican beer and have stayed authentic up until the point where you sold out to the German company but thats not the point, the point is you are one of us.
Many Jamaican’s thought they were using the “BEAR” because it sounds like “BEER” when you say it. This is what I got from the campaign, my own personal fucked up interpretation is this, Bear’s steal things, if you have a cabin in the woods in a country that has bears they might break in, for example those of us who watched YOGI BEAR growing up (a lot of people did not get that key factor). Yes there are no bears in Jamaica but that’s why Red came all the way here because the beer is so amazing he had to leave his home in the woods some where not close to shore and come steal this magnificent beer and mix and mingle with the locals, it’s every animals dream to be a human and the best kind of human to be is a Jamaican cuz we have Dancehall, Vybz Kartel and The fastest man alive.

Is the campaign a bad idea, will it work? as DJ NICCO disc jockey and radio personality said yesterday on twitter; “@DjNicco876: Budweiser used 3 frogs, geico use a salamander, taco bell used a dog… U ppl are over analyzing. Just laugh and move on with ur lives. LOL”

Red Stripe isn’t the first to use a BEAR to get the message across;

Bud lite bear has also used a Bear

Im looking forward to going clubbing with Red, as a woman who drinks Red Stripe lite to sober up and because it has less calories and keeps me cool at a beach party, I’m looking for Red Stripe to get some added buzz out of this campaign.

xoxo Lauren O Lauren

How do you know you’re getting SERIOUS?

It’s that time of year when you get this strange feeling, you meet someone and seeing their name light up on your cell phone is the next best thing to getting paid before pay-day.

Women and Men know when the person they’re pinging 200 times a day and that does not include the phone calls back and forth everyday and depending on the location the naughty face to face chats they have on Skype, they know that this could possibly lead to a relationship or at least they would like to, if a guy can imagine doing more this girl than having sex with her but actually picture them doing stuff together and the girl is thinking more about him than how many things she wants him to buy for her then you know it’s getting serious.

When the first message you get every morning is from each other, then honey all that’s left is kids and a baby carriage. I am going to plunge deeper by saying, we also know when we are in a dead-end situation that is going nowhere with a man or woman who wants nothing more from us than sex over cheap champagne. Too many times we sit down with our girlfriends saying stupid things like;

I don’t know, I think he likes me but he’s so shady and weird sometimes, one second he calls the next second I dont hear from him again. I don’t know if it’s just sex.

Or “I think he likes me but he just got out of a relationship so he wants us to go slow”

Bull shit Men don’t go slow, the line in First Caribbean bank goes slow. If a man feeds you lines about a broken relationship and wanting to go slow tell him “Great I wanna see other people as well, there’s this guy that I’m dating right now. But it’s just the dating stage I’m going through something similar just like you”

Don’t get mad because some guy didn’t make you his 3rd baby mother, or some other moron didn’t string you along in a relationship for two and a half years then broke up with you because you aren’t the person he thought you were so now he’s talking to some Chinese girl you hear used to fuck one of your ex’s. Things have to fall apart so they can go together properly this time, if they didn’t you wouldn’t meet this guy who has you rethinking everything you thought you had planned out. You find yourself wondering what it’s like to be pregnant and married, I’m just saying there are too many men in the world to worry about one who doesn’t even know himself.

xooxoxoxox Lauren O Lauren my smile gets bigger everyday.